We live in a world obsessed with youth, so even when trying to compliment someone who is in their 50s or 60s politely, we often sound contrived. Instead of seeing aging for what it is, we have these fears that only promote ageism, despite knowing full well that we cannot turn back the clock. But before we get into “polite” ways of talking about someone’s age, let’s understand why we should embrace growing older.
Talk is not cheap
When we accept aging, celebrate our experiences, and whatever life throws at us, we have better chances of living longer and happier. This attitude is followed by a particular lifestyle that promotes longevity, like a healthy diet, exercising, and socializing, and with that comes an improved immune system and less stress. So, talking about aging in a positive connotation comes with numerous benefits. Now it’s time to learn what not to tell people if we don’t want our compliments to sound backhanded.
“You look great for your age”
This is the most common phrase, but if you’re telling someone they look great for their age, you are presenting an assumption they should look unwell because they just turned 55. You can choose to say, “You look great.” Any compliment that contains comparison can backfire, so it is better to keep it simple. Otherwise, the person may call you out, and for a good reason.
Using the term “anti-age”
Using the term anti-age or anti-aging means one is fighting nature. It is insulting on numerous levels. Many people do not get to age at all. Appreciating your age does not mean you should stop using skincare products. It is your life and your skin, so you have the right to do what you want. However, aging backward is possible only in movies, and if you can’t change it, you should try to be comfortable in your skin and work with what you have now.
“You are young at heart”
Telling a person they are young at heart is the core of age denialism. It implies that optimism, happiness, and other positive traits are reserved for younger generations only, and older people are supposed to be miserable. You can be a joker, a prankster, and beam with positivity at any age, so this whole “young at heart” thing has to go. You can simply say, “You are such a joker,” or “You are a delight,” and make someone’s day.
Blaming age for forgetfulness
Your grandma forgot your birthday, and you want her to know that’s okay so that you might blame her mind for it. It will only make her feel worse. Everyone forgets dates, especially if we don’t have them memorized on our phones. Now, this poor grandma, with generally excellent memory, might fear cognitive decline. Instead of trying to comfort someone while calling out their age, say, “No cake for you,” or “It happens. There’s always next year.”
Joking about someone’s age
A senior can crack jokes about their age, but you shouldn’t. If you are 20-something, you might want to make someone smile, but you are insulting not only them but your future as well. People should take pride in their age because it comes with wisdom, stories, and maturity. Age should be celebrated, not insulted.
Giving unsolicited fashion advice
Telling someone, “You would look so much better if you started dressing for your age,” might sound fine in your head. However, it is both ageist and even offends someone’s style. You can wear whatever you want if you’re not breaking any laws. The beauty of fashion is that rules are meant to be broken, and one should wear whatever makes them feel comfortable.
Telling someone they shouldn’t be working
You might tell your mom, “It is time for you to retire,” thinking that she worked hard for so many decades and now it is time for her to relax. However, it is patronizing, and the assumption is that the mother cannot make her own decisions or that her age dictates she should stop working. If you want to start this conversation, simply say, “Your work ethic is admirable.”
Expressing too much concern
Your father might want to go to the gym, but you have doubts. So, with the best intentions, you will start talking about his age and expressing safety concerns as if you’re talking to a toddler. We are not here forever, so encourage your parents or grandparents to soak up the experiences and enjoy their time as long as their doctor gives them approval.
“You look younger”
This phrase is universally seen as a compliment with no ill intent. Yet, it feels like a consolation prize and robs people of their achievements and life experiences. What we look like is a reflection of our genetics and lifestyle, and apart from getting Botox or fillers, there is nothing we can do about it. So, compliment people in more general ways, and in this case, a simple “You are handsome/beautiful” will work.
Using the term “elderly”
The term “elderly” implies frailty and dependency and is considered anachronistic. Even if you think this term is endearing, according to a 2023 survey, people over 65 hate this term. It is not about being politically correct but about using correct terms because people agree they do not want to be called “elderly.” They are older adults or seniors, and that sounds fair enough.
Commenting on someone’s living arrangements
Telling a person you are proud of them because they are doing everything independently “despite their age” is not okay. It might feel like you’re complimenting them, but you are pushing them toward thinking they should continue living alone despite their need to be with people their age. Many older adults enjoy living in communities not because they are incapable but because they choose not to live alone. Encourage your seniors to discuss whether they need a change instead of thinking they are doing great because they can fix their kitchen appliances.
Shouting because you assumed an older person can’t hear you
People automatically start shouting in front of older people because they assume they lost their hearing. In reality, only around 33 percent of those in their 70s have trouble with hearing, so naturally, your polite gesture feels ageist. Instead, ask, in your normal voice, “How is your hearing?” And do not worry, if you are not loud enough, seniors will have no problem telling you to speak up.
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Kate Smith, a self-proclaimed word nerd who relishes the power of language to inform, entertain, and inspire. Kate's passion for sharing knowledge and sparking meaningful conversations fuels her every word.