A codependent relationship can be challenging to recognize, but since the power balance is involved, it is highly toxic. The most common issue with codependent relationships is elevating other people’s needs above your own. It can be soothing in the early stages, but not only is this partnership unhealthy, it is also unsustainable.
What is a codependent relationship?
Before we discuss common signs, it is crucial to understand a codependent relationship and its influence on participants. While we are talking about romantic codependency, it is also absorbed in friendships and even family dynamics. Generally, one person is a taker, and the other is a caretaker, and for a while, it seems like any other partnership.
Beyond temporary imbalance
Codependency is not a disorder, and according to Judith Zackson, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist, it can be a reaction to our desire to connect. However, a 2018 study found that codependency often involves self-sacrifice, the need for control, and trouble with expressing emotions.
Give and take
Zackson notes that in healthy relationships, people are equally involved in giving and taking, but codependent relationships are focused on the “taker.” The codependent one wants to please them, struggles with boundaries, and feels responsible for others beyond their possibilities. A person’s identity gets blurred, forcing a person to stay in the vicious cycle.
What are the signs?
With these power dynamics, one person’s needs and desires precede another. It may appear okay initially because you care for a person’s feelings and needs. But since codependent relationships involve various forms of self-sacrifice and neglect, here are the signs that might help you with your struggles.
You need your partner to feel okay
If you depend on your partner to feel good without taking responsibility for your happiness or unhappiness, it is a red flag. A codependent person relies on other people’s approval, and it forms their self-worth.
You cancel plans to indulge your partner
When you become too enmeshed in a relationship, you no longer understand why connecting with the outside world is necessary. Dropping plans at the last minute because your partner suggested you should dine out is a common sign of a codependent relationship. It is a subtle signal because many people do it, but if there’s a pattern, there’s a problem.
Healthy boundaries are broken
Setting up healthy boundaries is another necessity for a healthy relationship that could turn long-term. However, a codependent relationship lacks boundaries, and even speaking up about them can create a hostile environment. The lack of boundaries can lead to resentment and even escalating behaviors on both sides.
You can’t ask for more
Perhaps you think you need more but are afraid to speak up. You might feel like you’re too demanding because you heard that before. Many codependent relationships have one partner manipulate another, and in these cases, it is impossible for the “victim” to satisfy their needs because the feedback is always negative.
You’re doing more than you can
A codependent person will take on tasks that are beyond their means. This has been noticed in the work environment, family dynamics, and romantic relationships. Instead of taking time for themselves, they put all their energy into satisfying others while putting their needs aside.
You can’t explain your relationship
A codependent person does not immediately realize that their self-esteem is so low that they can’t even explain their relationship to others. That’s because the person is not focused on themselves and has no time to process their emotions. A person’s mood can be based on how someone, for example, a partner, feels instead of expressing what’s genuinely on their mind.
Guilt or anxiety when you’re doing things for yourself
Feeling anxious while taking care of yourself is another subtle sign that you might be in a codependent relationship. It can make you feel selfish and ungrateful, even if your partner is not around. The perception that self-care is somehow selfish comes from broken self-esteem and lack of boundaries.
Idealizing loved ones
A codependent person idolizes either a partner or anyone else close to them. The relationship, romantic or not, has to survive, even if a person does not get anything in return and is left unfulfilled. It also involves doing things they won’t enjoy, such as satisfying others and earning praise.
Your partner’s issues are more important
Your world does not revolve around your problems, and you rarely even mention them. Instead, the focus is on your partner’s needs, issues, and whatever they are going through. In a codependent relationship, a partner will support this behavior, and your conversations will revolve around them.
You need to check in on them
While communication is the key, checking in on someone’s every move and telling them everything about your plan for a night out is excessive. Some decisions should be made by the person they impact the most, and constantly checking in gives another person power over you. Your relationship is likely codependent if you can’t seem to shake the habit of always thinking about what the other person, essentially, decides.
Your fights are the same
If you are constantly fighting about one thing, that’s not a good sign. If your arguments center around one fight or issue, it could indicate codependency. Couples in healthy relationships enter arguments to sort things out, but toxic ones often have one central issue that appears as a pattern.
One is the responsible adult, and the other one is the immature
If your partner is resistant to being a responsible adult and you find yourself taking care of them, your relationship may be codependent. If one of you brings up the issue and the other person becomes upset over their immature behavior, or if you often find yourself managing and taking care of your partner’s behavior, these are signs of an unhealthy dynamic.
Breaking the circle
People with codependency often struggle with anxiety and similar mental health issues. That brings them to therapists, and sessions usually focus on exploring childhood patterns that have contributed to their codependent behavior. Without self-respect and self-love, it can be challenging to recognize that one is caught in a harmful and recurring cycle.
Top 3 U.S. States That Almost No One Leaves (And for Good Reason)
Top 3 U.S. States That Almost No One Leaves (And for Good Reason)
Kate Smith, a self-proclaimed word nerd who relishes the power of language to inform, entertain, and inspire. Kate's passion for sharing knowledge and sparking meaningful conversations fuels her every word.