Many ways of comforting someone grieving include useless and even insulting or hurtful advice. Even best-intentioned comments can backfire, so it is often better to provide a grieving person with emotional support without words instead of something that will make everyone uncomfortable. Here are common things you should avoid telling a person who is grieving.
“They are in a better place”
People who are religious or at least spiritual want to believe there’s a better place for all of us, but telling that to a grieving person only diminishes their pain. It doesn’t matter if you genuinely believe in some “better place.” The person is grieving that their loved one is not with them.
“I was in your shoes”
Even if you are in similar situations, avoid saying things like “I was in your place” or “I know how you feel.” Everyone grieves differently, and comparing feelings invalidates what the grieving person is now experiencing. You may become their rock once they get to acceptance, but for now, try to make them feel supported.
“I would be a wreck if I were you”
This comment was supposed to reflect the courage of the grieving person, but as you all know, they are better at pretending than you think. It also puts pressure on a grieving person who needs to be stoic. Perhaps they want to express their emotions privately or haven’t grasped the situation yet.
“Try to stay positive”
People can’t be positive all the time, and while your intentions might be good, they are not productive. Grief is a process, and everyone should be allowed to grieve at their own pace. Do not judge someone’s pain through unsolicited advice.
“Let me know if you need anything”
It is a vague expression that does nothing to help the grieving person. If you genuinely want to help, say, “I will bring you food later,” or “I will come in the morning to help you clean up.” This is the time when you can help a friend by being organized and efficient instead of opting for empty promises.
“It will get better”
For a person who just lost someone close to them, thinking about life without them might feel like punishment. Telling them that things will get better can feel insulting. Things will likely improve with time, but let the grieving person get to that place. By saying, “It will get better,” you are trying to tell the person that they will eventually forget about the person they lost, and that’s just wrong.
“They lived a long life”
It doesn’t matter how old someone was when they passed away. They were someone’s sister or father, and we don’t get any comfort from hearing some people die much younger. Let the loved ones get to the point where they will be able to celebrate the deceased’s life instead of suggesting it was their time to die.
“Don’t cry”
Crying is a natural way to express powerful emotions, and there should be no shame in it. If a grieving person wants to cry, hold them and express your support, but don’t stop them from expressing their sorrows. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so if a person is in tears, that’s their way of confronting reality.
“It was their time”
No one has the authority to say when it’s time to die. That’s just obnoxious. But more importantly, how is it helpful to those who just lost a loved one? It may sound comforting in your head, but it is not even a generic statement but an insulting one for those grieving, so try to refrain from it.
“Everything happens for a reason”
When a person is grieving, everything seems unfair, so saying that it happened for a reason can be invalidating. It also raises the questions of authority, and while this might help someone who is truly religious, it may be utterly insensitive to someone who is not into higher power. They just lost someone, and they do not want reasons. They want to bring their loved ones back or at least survive the pain of losing them.
“At least you have so many memories”
If you don’t want a grieving person to start falling apart further, avoid statements that will bring more memories to their minds. At some point, they will likely face those memories, but while they are grieving, people are thinking more about what could have been, and this only pushes them toward feeling more pain.
“If I lost my husband/parent/sibling, I wouldn’t be able to go on”
Projecting is common, and many people attending funerals have similar thoughts. But, first, you’re speaking hypothetically, and second, you suggest that the person grieving is not grieving hard enough. You can simply say that you can’t imagine what the person is going through instead of inserting your family into someone’s loss.
“Poor you. What are you going to do now?”
When dealing with a loss, people have enough on their plate. They are not thinking about the future. Many can’t even decide if they need to eat. So, despite your best intentions, by asking these challenging questions, you are pressuring a grieving person to skip vital steps. To think about the future, one needs a clear head, and a grieving person does not have that luxury.
“You can always have another child/remarry”
People are irreplaceable. Telling a grieving parent that they have more children or that they can always “get” another is highly insensitive. Similarly, telling a person who lost their spouse that they can replace them is cruel. They are in unimaginable pain, and while somewhere down the line, they might have more children or remarry, it is not about replacing a person they loved dearly.
“How are you?”
Most people will say they are “fine” because the question is so vague and casual that they have nothing more to add. Instead, recognize the situation, voice your concerns, or simply state, “This is truly difficult.” There is no upside to losing someone you love, and it happens to everyone. If you can’t find the right words, that’s okay too. You can say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” and offer help by doing something for the person grieving, but don’t try to cheer them up.
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Kate Smith, a self-proclaimed word nerd who relishes the power of language to inform, entertain, and inspire. Kate's passion for sharing knowledge and sparking meaningful conversations fuels her every word.